Honestly, I've been thinking about how to solve my wardrobe problem by buying a bale of burlap bags, and a spool of yellow polypropylene rope to use as belts but burlap is itchy as hell and that rope is made of oil which makes my eco-consciousness twitch like an eel on a harpoon, so I'm still dithering. I saw a dove-grey cashmere cardigan I liked at the upscale mall we visited on my birthday. It cost more than my entire wardrobe budget for the year. No doubt I'd look stunning in it but eyes would still pop at the Sobeys when I walked in wearing it, naked from the hipbones down because I didn't have enough $ left over to buy a three-pack of bloomers at the WalMart. Decisions decisions.
Here's Michelle's advice for women over 50.
Google “what not to wear after age 50″ and you will have your pick of thousands of articles telling you what looks terrible on your old ass body. I want to point out to the writer who wrote the ‘No-No’ article, you need to remember you are writing for over 50 women, not preschoolers. I don’t think I’ve said “No-No” since my youngest was a toddler. We could spend hours studying the clothes we shouldn’t wear and the slang we shouldn’t use and the makeup techniques we need to retire.
Here’s me, weighing in on this topic.
You are over 50 for f%&k’s sake. Wear whatever you want. If you’ve made it to 50 and still need to consult articles on how to dress appropriately then you are so missing out on one of the best things about being over 50. One of the best things about getting older is realizing that we don’t have to spend our energy worrying what other people think and we get to be comfortable in our own skin with our own freak flags.
Still, there are a few things that women over 50 really shouldn’t wear:
The weight of the world. When you wear the weight of the world on your shoulders, you age. If you like the feel of the world’s weight and don’t want to give it up, then try scaling back a bit. Perhaps just wear the weight of a few of the smaller continents. For instance, I am only wearing the weight of Australia and a made up country called “Michelloponia”. I think it they have a slimming effect.
Shame and regret. So few people can carry this look off. Most of us just end up looking haunted or like we were forced to eat liver and onions. Shame and regret are especially hard to wear after fifty. Wearing shame and regret past fifty is one of those things that make your eyes all red and runny looking. The downward spiral just snowballs from there. Once the eyes get old lady looking, then you have to re-evaluate the wisdom of black eye liner. I say give up wearing shame and regret and fuck giving up on black eye liner.
Rose colored glasses. Oh, sweetheart, you know who you are. Those glasses do nothing for you. Not only do they make you look like you’ve been smoking weed for days, they also keep you from examining life and your surroundings realistically. Yes, reality sucks, but by the time we hit fifty, we need to suck it up, take those glasses off and dick punch reality into submission. Or just get some really big dark sunglasses instead. They cover all manner of sins.
Stiff upper lip. There is a time and a place for the stiff upper lip, but damn, it can’t be worn all the time. Too much stiff upper lip causes those funky vertical